1. Always have an objective.
2. Know your end game before you lift your hand.
3. Keep a clear head — emotions make you sloppy.
4. Understand your motivation — always know what you want.
- Sylar (Heroes, Season ?)


Somedays when I'm not preoccupied with the usual school/work/girlfriend I feel like I'm wasting my time. It's when I have nothing to do I realize fuck I'm still not really progressing anywhere ya know? I mean I feel better about myself but I still feel like I'm fresh out of high school. Going through each day without a cause. I could try to give myself a cause like do community service or make an errand list of thing to do on a day to day basis but it's still the same thing. What I'm looking for is something constant. Like this is my goal for today, tomorrow, this month, next year, and the year after that until I reach it. I feel like I've never had anything like that.

The other week though it just occurred to me that I enjoy working with my hands. That made me really happy cause atleast now I feel like I have some direction for my interest. Like for instance I could honestly see myself being a mechanic. Me saying I wanted to be a Dentist is really no different from saying I wanna be a Doctor or lawyer. Or be a nurse or an x-ray tech. I doubt many people who go into those fields choose it because they have a passion for it but that's just my opinion. If I'm gonna study something for a career I'd better expect to want to do it for the rest of my life. I need to expose myself to all sorts of things and see what pulls me like a magnet. I need to find an interest.

So back to the quote, "always have an objective. understand your motivation, always know what you want". I remember going through a Heroes marathon on Netflix and despite coming from a serial killer that line really struck me. I never know what it is I really want. Maybe that's why I've felt so empty for the past few years. Gotta have that FIRE inside of me. Once I do then I'll be on the right path. What do I want though? Why do I want it? Why do I want it so bad and what am I willing to do to get it? I need to meditate on that.


Another awesome quote that resonates with me comes from manga I've been reading.


"You will become a man when you're infinitely kind to those important to you and infinitely cruel to all others"
-- Ennoia (Eden: It's an Endless World)

Damn, really though. The things we are willing to do for our loved ones. Being a man is about knowing what's important to you and doing everything in your power to preserve that, those things naturally being anything but yourself. In most cases it' your spouse and your offspring. When it comes to your love, affection, and compassion your family is entitled to every drop of it regardless of their faults. Everyone else can just fuck off. In what situation would you consciously decide that anyone else deserves the before mentioned over your family? And in that case you should ask yourself what is really important to you. That's what being a man is about. If you don't have someone to take care of you're still just a kid.

So when will I become a man and what lengths am I willing to go for the sake of those important to me? How great is my capacity of love for these people when I find out who they are and how great is my capacity for cruelty towards others should I need to protect what's important to me?

I'm back. Haven't blogged in a while so why not.

Today I signed up for Game Fly, cancelled my Best Buy card that I never used, payed off my Macy's but had to dip into my savings, got my friend some materials to study with for his driving test, went to the bank to inquire about a car loan, and... that's it.

Since I've been gone I've got a job at Macy's. Went from being On-Call to being Part-Time in the fashion watch department. I'm getting better at it. Last month we had a contest to see the top 2 associates who can reach over their sales goal for the month in just watches. I sold 3600k in just watches, that's 150% over my sales goal. When I come back to work this weekend I expect a prize! Free watch you are mine! I'm surprised I'm working as a sales associate despite having "introvert" qualities. I have no problem approaching strangers. Maybe not to conversate but just to say hello. Girls I normally would feel nervous around are suddenly approachable. Dudes I normally wouldn't expect to relate to are suddenly pals when talking about taste in watches.

Besides Macy's I finally have a girlfriend of 7 months now. Probably the longest relationship I've ever been in, and most serious too! Jane is a sweet heart. So many first that I've had in this relationship with her. I feel that I've learned alot about myself being in this relationship. Being with Jane has brought out some great qualities in myself and on a few occasions have brought out some nasty ones. But over all I view the relationship as a positive one. Had I not met Jane I don't think I'd be the person I am today. Some might not think I'm different but I am. Therefore Jane is one of those people who have impacted my life to extents that maybe I am not even aware of. God Bless this woman.

And then aside from that I've been going to school. No difference though, still bullshitting. Still dropped Eng001 cause I wasn't doing any work. Only got Spee001 and Psych001, both I'm doing pretty decent int. I'm taking both classes with Jane and it makes things easier knowing that I have someone I can always ask for notes and remind me when things are due.

The other day I cleaned out my closest and made a wall of clothes to give back to the Salvation Army. I'm back at Level 1. I'm talking REAL Level 1, like if I don't buy some socks I'm fucked for 2morrow. Haha. I like it though. Iono why I kept all that gaudy shit anyways. I'm starting with the basics.

• 32x30 Levi's 514
• Enough Pairs of socks to last me 2 weeks
• Enough Underwear to last me 3
• Stack of white undershirts
• V-neck undershirts, black and gray
• Everything size M
  

Learning not to be picky but also being selective. Like I'm okay with finding basic items in quantity at Walmart but if I'm looking for something that matters then I need to hit the mall. I finally bought a watch that actually works (Timex: Ironman triathlon, $50) which is great cause up till now I've been selling watches while wearing a watch that doesn't (Omega, knock off from the PI). The 12 fell off and the hands don't even move. I used to kid myself by saying well atleast it's right twice a day. hurr hurr but no more.

Finally I got myself a credit card. So far so good. Not in debt lol. I figured now would be be a good time to start building my credit. I've been spending like mad. Mostly on food. Like for reals! I looked at my card spending and it shows atleast $100 on food over the course of 1-2 weeks. Even if its 2 weeks thats just unacceptable. Me and Jane are FOOD WARRIORS but there's gotta be a limit lol. I'm spending way too much money eating out.

One thing I really hated about blogging is that it seemed like every other post I made was bitching about life. I'm glad to realize that today I haven't kept that POV. I'm probably still not quite as optimistic as others but I feel that I take my days in larger strides.

Love who you are, Love who you ain't.

I don't think people realize how serious I am about love. Despite what I might say what I want is FUCKING LEGIT.

What I'm looking for is a girl to do everything with. Trust me it goes beyond just sex and texting. I'm talking about doing EVERYTHING together. Watching movies, getting haircuts, being bored, going to costco cause neither of us have money, making love, agreeing to disagree, growing up, putting up with the distance, being a part of each others family, hating the same people, talking about life, venting, sharing insecurities, cheering each other up, finding out what it really means to be "together" ya know? The way I see it, I want my love to be like back in the day of Adam and Eve. They had the whole world to themselves, just the 2 of them. If I was hella feelin a girl I'd hope that our love would make it feel like it were just the 2 of us on this planet and everything here was just for the both of us to experience together.

I'm feeling more confident with myself. I see a hot girl and I think yea, yea I think I can see my self talking to her. I'm a catch, I know that. Over the past few weeks I've been kinda having this thing with this girl. Turns out being myself has gotten me farther than I ever expected and I'm great around family. You want a girl to be hella into you? Be cool with her family. Turns out though me and her just aren't meant to be; hopefully she'll get over it. Moving on now.

Anyways, about school. FUCK. Let's leave it at that lol.

About my current employment status? FUCK. Well, just a little. I probably just need to turn in some more applications. If I'm not going to school I might as well be doing something till next semester.

I wanna move out soon, I can't stay here.

And yea, for the most part I'm feelin alright. I did 100 pull ups the other day. Not in a row but still pretty good right? =D

It's so embarrassing. I think I forgot how to talk to people. I feel like I'm no longer relevant. My interest, what I do, the way I talk. I don't think I'm capable of connecting to anyone nowadays. I need a change of surroundings.

Macky lives the life I wish I lived. I've known this for a while now. I see her pictures, the places she's been and how she's grown. She's really awesome. I wish I could live outside of comfort. The furniture, material possessions, items of affluence. They all amount to nothing compared to living life. The late night parties, the worlds explored in others. She's really living life. She has that fire I imagine most of our parents having when they came of age.

I feel like Matahachi from Vagabond. We all used to be so alike when we were younger. But now that everyone's grown up I don't feel like I want to show my face anymore. I'm too ashamed. The idea of someone asking me what's new makes me anxious. Yikes man I'm Matahachi.

Lately I've been wondering. Am I really that discontent with life or do I suffer from depression as an illness? Like is my body sending out a chemical to feel like shit? Cause I feel like shit all the time. There are other people like me. I'm friends with them. Why am I the only one who feels like he's at the edge though?

This mix WORKS. Probably the only way I can tolerate this k-pop hype.

Anyways as of late I've been thinking about girls on and off. Been thinking about my standards. My ideal girlfriend compared to the bare minimum required in order for me to be interested in a girl. I just realized I never talk to my ideal girlfriend. My ideal girlfriend is Philippine born but bay influenced. She's sexy, parties wild, knows what's up but at the same time somehow happens to be a sweetheart, family oriented, and smart. I know a girl like this and where she is but damn if I'll ever talk to her. If I had stayed at Napa I'd probably be talking to her. Instead I talk to girls who fall below the bar. Sometimes it feels like I'm actually seeking them out. YUCK at me for being such a creep and YUCK at me for thinking I could judge anyone.

Self loathing aside I really can't talk to girls I want. Really though it has to be someone I wouldn't consider being with (serious or not) or someone who's already taken. As soon as I'm interested though I just lose it. A girl could like me and as soon as I want her back the failures start. True Story. Mmmmm... fml.

I think there was maybe one point in my life where I really did things right. I saw a girl I knew I wanted and I went for it. I didn't wait for her to like me. I just kept talking to her until she did. It wasn't easy at first. She was very disinterested at first and for a long time we didn't have anything to connect on. I kept asking her whats up and threw out topic after topic. Until eventually something sparked and we just clicked. I even remember what that topic was. I think I was asking her about death o_O. Anyways after that things got easier. She'd actually start coming to me to talk and well... yea. And that might be the only thing I did right, haha. Or atleast that's how I remember it.

So I'm trying to the same thing now I think. And in a way it's working. Fuck if I know. God I'm at the capacity at which I can continue with this FUCK THIS TOPIC. moving on now.

I need more "club bangers" in my play list. Yea, "club bangers" is genre now. I think. Yea I'm fucking spent. Forget it. End blog.

Sup,

I think it's about time I start blogging. Like atleast write something down to start, and maybe I'll get back into the roll of things.

Things I hate

• Nose Bleeds
• Getting Sick
• Liars
• Ants
• Long Nails
• And as of late, the cold
  

Srsly, shit sux.

Anyways, moving on. As of late I've been more or less the same. I suppose you could say I'm stagnant but I would argue that I have progressed. Even if no big changes have occurred time does its work and I have more "substance". Don't know how else to explain it but I feel different than how I did 6 months ago. My perspective, my existing, it all just feels better. If I were to compare myself to myself before in terms of quality I'd totally kick that guys ass.

Onto more pressing issues. I'm in New Jersey right now because my Grandpa (Papa Yoyong) has fallen ill. To be more realistic, he's dying. 2 of his organs are failing and he's got cancer. He may get better, and he has. They removed the machine that was supporting him and it turns out he doesn't need it anymore. We even got to finally hear his voice. Truth is though he's old. Even if he were to over come the illness it's a reminder that he will eventually pass. And so will we. It's a reality that we all have to come to terms with.

God knows I'm not the most active person in my family and there are many closer to him than I am. But I love my Lolo regardless if I don't know anything about him or if he doesn't know anything about me. Visiting Papa Yoyong in the ICU was tough on everyone. He looked so weak and fragile. Before I flew here I was ready to accept that he could be passing away during my stay. When I arrived in the ICU I saw him hooked up to all sorts of machines. He wasn't able to move, talk, respond, or even show expression on his face. As far as I knew he was asleep the whole time unable to wake up. It was depressing but I was expecting it.

I didn't know what to say to him because I wasn't sure if he'd hear me. His eyes were open but I wasn't sure if he was really there. But then I saw my Lola (Mama Letty) take to Papa's bedside. With her hand to his face she spoke to him with intimacy in a whisper and he listened, eyes fixated on her. She wasn't talking to someone who was dying/sick/bedridden/asleep. She was talking to her best friend and husband. I couldn't hear was she was saying but there was so much love in Mama's voice that I couldn't help but cry. Just watching that broke me up inside. I thought I was prepared to see Papa go but I guess not. Every time I'm in the ICU I end up crying, inside or out. The other day when they finally removed the machines Papa was able to respond. Though still in pain he got some of his voice back and was able to do what little he could to talk or move. When we were saying our good byes he mouthed "I love you" to all us. FUUUU, there goes the tears again. That's love. Even though he's in pain he still musters up the strength to tell his family he loves them. Each and every one of them. I choked up, I couldn't even say "I love you" back once. I cried so hard my nose bled. Lmao, INTENSE. Papa is so much stronger than I.

If Papa were to pass I don't want to mope. Papa lived a good life. If there were a measure of a mans worth, any real reason to live, it would be if you're proud of what you left behind. Naturally the greatest thing we leave behind is family. Strength isn't how much you can lift, how many guys you can beat, or getting whatever you want. Real Strength isn't that shallow. Real Strength is the ability to preserve what's important to you. And there's nothing more important than the people you love. Keep your daughters off the pole, keep your sons away from the guns. LOVE your family and raise them right. Papa and Mama did great. Their kids and their kid's kids. No ones perfect but they're all beautiful. Not kidding, take a look at the current generation. We got some good looking Malonzos and they all show potential. It's a huge family, I'm sure Mama and Papa are proud. If I were to pass I would want to be surrounded by the love of my family.


"A man who doesn't spend time with his family can never be a real man." - Don Vito Corleone

That's the fucking truth. I know I don't show it, I hardly express it. The distance in my existence would probably lead people to think other wise. But family is the most important thing to me. I'll admit that this perspective is only recent. Before I was very aloof with family matters, partly because that's just how I am and some other things, but lately I've been pushing myself to spending time with both sides of my family. Hopefully I'll get over it some day.




So yea, breaking off from that subject. I ate a cheese steak at Philly the other day so I guess that makes it a Philly Cheese Steak right? We ate at Geno's and I gotta say I'm not impressed. So far nothing holds a candle to Great Steak and Potato, man that's so fucking legit. I don't care if it's a food court chain. Nothing gets better than that brand of cheese steaks.


Anyways it's getting late (5am late) so I'ma just throw a rundown of randoms to shape out how I've been lately.

What's good

• Wrote essays for pot money
  
• Officially have a 360
• Got fired for the last time from Yummi Sushi
• Am back in school with a full 12 units
• I've been reading alot of manga lately
  
• Went to Fight Club
• Went clubbing
• Hit the gym frequently (3-5 days a week)
  
• Stopped smoking pot
• Got mugged by a stripper
• Played alot of DFO
  
• Went to some parties

A little time out might do ya good, might do us good

Why are you so paranoid?
Don't be so paranoid
Don't be so...

Baby, don't worry about it
Hey there, don't even think about it

You worry bout the wrong things, the wrong things
You worry bout the wrong things, the wrong things
You worry bout the wrong things, the wrong things
You worry bout the wrong things, the wrong things

VERSE #1:

Tell me right now, you really wanna spend your whole life alone
A little time out might do ya good, might do us good before we be done for good
Because I could make it good, I could make it hood, I could make you come, I could make you gooo
I could make you hot, I could make you fly, make you touch the sky, Hey, maybe sooo
All of the time, he be up in my, checking through my cell phone, baby no
You wanna kill the vibe, on another night, here's another fight, Oh, here we go (Oh, here we go)

HOOK:

Baby, don't worry 'bout it
Lady, we'll go out to the floor

Anyway, they don't know you like I do (They don't know)
They'll never know you (Never know)
Anyway, they don't know you like I do (Never know)
They'll never know you

VERSE #2

All of the time, you wanna complain about the nights alone
So now, you here with me, stressin about a 2 liter, leave the attitude way back at home
Yeah, you see 'em look, baby, let 'em look, give you cold looks cuz we look cold
Yeah, you heard about all the word of mouth, don't worry about what we can't control
All the talk in the world, loss in the world 'till you finally let that thing gooo
You wanna check-in to the heartbreak hotel but sorry we're closed


HOOK:

Baby, don't worry 'bout it
Baby, we'll go out to the floor

Anyway, (Hey!) they don't know you like I do (To the floor)
They'll never know you (Never know)
Anyway, they don't know you like I do (They don't know)
They'll never know you

HOOK:

Baby, don't worry 'bout it
Lady, don't even think about it

You worry bout the wrong things, the wrong thing
You worry bout the wrong thing, the wrong thing
You worry bout the wrong thing, the wrong thing
You worry bout the wrong thing...

Anyway, they don't know you like I do
They'll never know you
Anyway, they don't know you like I do
They'll never know you

Anyway, they don't know you like I do
They'll never know you
Anyway, they don't know you like I do
They'll never know you