What is there to do today?

Errr, second day in a row where I feel like a hot bag of dog turds (she's gone for a week and almost every text response I get from her is devoid of any personality or genuine emotion. Meanwhile she's texting my other friends all about how she's doing there in full sentences and shit, hella trying to chat them up. I know I'm a jealous person but damn, how could I not be right now?). I'm all up for keeping myself busy as a means of combating depression but iono, I guess I get tired. Trying to think of anything I can do today. Things on my mind are:

• Kim comes back today
• I could buy a pipe
• Hit the gym
• Take Mochi to the dog park
• Stress out
  
• Smoke
• Pick up my jacket at Grandmas
• Find someone to get me a haircut
• Bother Angelica and her sister
• Sleep
  

I figure my day will go like this

1. Pick up my jacket at Grandmas
2. Hit the gym with Cameron and Daniel
   
3. Take Mochi to the dog park
4. Visit Kim

Can't think anymore. Might as well get out and get started.

I want the money, money and the cars, cars and the clothes, the hoes, I suppose.

Fuckin I was hella bored this morning. Woke up at 8am and had nothing to do till I picked up CJ again around 3pm. I'm like trying to text everyone today but no ones responding back. Fuckers are always asleep or losing their phones. Iono. I couldn't think of anything else today besides Kim. I just laid around the house dozing off periodically until 3pm.

Eventually Francis calls me into work to pass around fliers for Yummi Sushi, I don't have a life today so I decide to say I'm free this time. I get there to pick up the flyers and ask Francis whats up. He tells me to just pass them around the plaza which is alot more appealing to me than going all the way to napa to pass them around in the god damn heat. What's really cool though is that he's more relaxed than he was at Sushi-Yu. Like I don't even have to come in within 2 hours to report back and tell him I've done everything. He just trust that I do it and adds $20 to my paycheck. So instead I go to fairfield with Angelica and her younger sister, Joanne, and pass them out after we're done shopping.

It was pretty fun shopping with them. I haven't gone shopping in like hella long, except for when Virgil and Melissa Uy were teaching me how to shop at thrift stores recently. Like Angelica was hella tripping about finding a good outfit to wear when she and Andrew go to Expo/Disneyland. For some reason she thinks I have a good sense of fashion and I surprisingly do, compared to her atleast. Haha. Bitch finally bought some shoes, FUCKING FINALLY omg. The vans she usually wears are so fucking heinous, all torn up and shit. Swear at some point I told myself I'd buy her shoes myself just cause they're so horrible. Joannes a weird kid. Her head wreaks, like hecka musty. For some reason she wants to be fat which is like a damn shame. Back when Angelica was younger she used to look exactly like her sister. If Angelica grew up athletic things could be more problematic, haha. While shopping for Angelica I saw alot of stuff that I wanted for myself but daaaamn stuffs expensive ya know? $130 for a jacket? $60 for a short sleeve? Ain't having none of that, that's why I'm trying to hit up thrift stores now like all the artsy people do, lmao.

That took up like my whole day but I thought it was pretty dope. Got to pass out the fliers later on and ended up finding a new outfit that Angelica normally doesn't wear but it looks good on her, courtesy of moi. I didn't get to see Yoshi (the dog), which was like the main reason I agreed to hang with them today, but that was alright. Thank god Joanne told Angelica to shut up about her love life early on though. Like that was the only thing we heard during the car ride to fairfrield and here comes the 9yr old telling Angelica "omg is that all you guys are gonna talk about?". Haha, gg little one.

I should be trying to get some sleep right now.

It just occurred to me that these "labels" are supposed to be tags that people can click so that they can narrow down on post of particular content, lmao. And here I was purposely placing vulgar labels in hopes that my blogspot would show up on google searches whenever people would look for porn.

Today was alright. Saw Transformers 2. Long movie is long. Megan Fox is fucking hot.

OMG where'd all this pent up lust come from? I've never wanted to fuck a girl so hard in my life. All I could think about today was passionately pressing my lips up against hers. AHH my god Joseph wasn't kidding when he said it would eat away at me if I knew what she wanted to do. Swear, for what reason would I ever be mad if she kissed me? DAMN. DAMN. DAMN. DAMN. Now I have to wait until she comes back from Novato which is like till monday or something. Either that or drive there to her brothers place where she's staying, knocking on their door all hopped up on lust. oh FML.

I frikken love this dog.

Hella not looking forward to going to Warped Tour wearing Chucks

If she kissed me I wouldn't be mad. brb


*edit*
Back and fucks wowzer I am high. I doubt I'll be able to write anything meaningful but it never hurts to try.

Feels pretty lame that to this day I still write blogs about girls i like expecting them specifically to some how come across and find out about it.

Im in the building and im feeling myself but where the fuck are the bitches?

Swear, it's 2am at the mariott but you'd think there'd be girls going about right? Fuck. I'm hella drunk and need to holler at a girl who's awake. I smoked tonight too but I dunno if I'm high yet. like that shit a was an hour ago. Right now I'm all blown away and crap by Skyy 90. 90 proof alcohol. damn man.

I was thinking about drunk calling Kim tonight but after talking to my uncles friends while he was drunk calling them, they told me that when a guy drunk calls a girl it usually has an negative effect on his image. especially if im waking her up 1 in the morning. but i dont care. I dont need to call kim today. shit like i have a girlfriend, no commitment, no duties. Just some girl I like, you know. it aint like we're even courting or nothing. shits hella weak. i apologize.

swear to the father of creation, god almighty, that pot taste like pepperoni or Aidells: Apple Sausage . I also swear that in Jeremih's Birthday Sex that he's OBVIOUSLY saying Birthday TEXT. Dammit am I the only one who hears that?

so yesterday i got called into work. His wife emily called me if I can work today at Yummi Sushi. I was thinking to myself oh fuck no. tis is a trick to get me to work at Sushi-Yu again. I aint tryin to have none of that. But as is turns out the dish washer really left for good and now im working there, like ooooh fuck i love it. So much less space just to walk from point A to point B. And plus there's this girl named Traci there. She's mad cute yo. Like she reminds me of Macky before she got all artistic and lesbian. Like the hell with kim, im crushing on her now, haha. freal though, pretty, damn. Only problem is that she talks to me like im retarded. Like the way a teacher talks to a preschooler, haha. Swear iono whats that about. Like is she mocking me? or is she so god damn cute that this is her special habit? Fuck i dun even care nor know. I'd tongue the oreo crumbs out of her derrier any day.

Speaking of tonguing, I was all up on that strippers titties today. Oh shit cuz, like damn

Do the Helen Keller and talk with your hips.

*vid unrelated. It's just kool*
------

Wow ya know, when you're down it's really an interesting challenge trying to keep yourself staying positive all the time. I'm surprised I did it though.

*edit the next morning*

This is gonna sound really lame but I feel like I'm getting to know her through her ipod. I'm noticing a trend in the lyrical content of most of the songs and I can deduct 3 things.

- she's trying to find forgiveness her ex despite him having cheated on her
- she wants to get fucked, hard
- ??? (I'm sure there's a third thing but it escapes me right now)

Anyways yesterday I was working up a sweat. Cleaned my entire house, washed my car, did my laundry, hit the gym, and awarded myself with a well deserved night of pot. I wish I had money yesterday, I would've chipped in even if for just a little bit more. God I love it. I woke up this morning and I'm still feeling great. Yesterday I had to work at it to be happy. Alot of positive reinforcement coming from myself, singing my heart out, dancing. Fuck being depressed and put up a fight.

I apologize to any female unfortunate enough to fall for my charms. I won't know how to treat you. I won't know how to be myself around you. I'm awkward. My bad yo.

Gah, I'm going to work in an hour and I'm still feeling kinda funny. First call in like 2 weeks, haha, let's show them what I got!

My dick itches.

I wish I had money. Old Navy is having a 50% off sale on all mens items till July or some shit. Like I have money, and if I weren't trying to save up for Warped Tour I would've blown it all at the thriftstore, but wow. Fuck me. Srsly. I need job.

I'll say it right now just to get it out of the way, if for some reason things go sour and Kim stops liking me I'm just gonna forget about it and move on. I'm not gonna allow myself to even spend a month moping around, screw that. Fuck this obsessing over a girl who doesn't even like you garbage. Shit wasn't cool the first time. No reason to do it again. On a lighter note, god I love that girl's smile.

I'm so bored today. I might go to the gym again. Yesterday me and Cameron didn't really get a work out since it was packed last night. And he felt like shit. Freal though, a whole pizza for breakfast then Jack in the Box? Come on of course he's gonna feel like shit. I want a stronger back. Not like upper but lower/mid? Like look at Frank Yangs back. The guy is like bulging from the spine. I think that's a very desirable muscle group. Like yeah a guy can have huge arms and a barrel chest but the lower back to me symbolizes real strength and stability. It looks to me like the foundation. I'd also want stronger legs but fuck, we'll see.

What to do... I wanna go over Angelica's house and play with her dog but I think her dad is still mad at me for overstaying my visit, lmao. I was playing with that dog for 5 HOURS and Angelica was already asleep halfway through. It's a puppy yo. HOW COULD YOU FUCKING NOT LOVE PUPPIES?!

I wonder what we're gonna do for Eddie tomorrow. Guy is leaving for Japan for 3 years. We're all gonna drive over to SFO to see him off. I hope I'm not driving, fuck. I'd really hate to have to drive and have Kim in the car smashed between the other guys. AARRGHH my jealousy cannot be contained. I swear I hate driving. I hate the feeling of having to be the responsible one. I hate responsibility. That's why I much prefer hanging out with Joseph and Angelica instead of Daniel and the guys. When I drive Daniel and the guys are fucking retarded and I have to regulate things, makes me feel all uptight. But when I'm with Joseph and Angelica they're usually the ones driving and I get to be the retard. I would much rather chill in the back seat with Kim than have to be all responsible again. I hate leading the pack. I'm not a leader, I don't like making decisions. But I feel that sometimes the guys look at me that way since I'm the one with the car and job. Sometimes I feel that people expect more from me and are irritated when I can't deliver. One question I get alot from people are "Why are you still single?" like it's a shame that I am. Or often times there'll be a hot girl and it feels like everyones expecting me to walk right up to her and spit game like a mack. This sort of stuff makes me feel uneasy. They keep asking me when I'm gonna bang Kim like I hella could anytime I wanted to. I really don't like that.

Hung out with Kim almost all day.

/end post

Trying to do things differently.

Up until now I never really cared for meeting new people. As long as I had the friends closest to me and had good times I figured I'd be alright. But I dunno, find myself never at peace with myself. I never feel content and I'm always feeling inadequate. Compared to the rest of my peers I've always felt like I've lagged behind culturally (clothes/music/interest/activities) and mentally (state of mind/life goals/regulation of emotions). I hung around the same four people for the last two years and fuck if I'm not surprised I didn't change at all.

Freals though, it's summer now and I'm trying to make plans with any body, new or old. Gotta network yo, that's how you expand your life. Dunno why it's taken me so long to even consider it. Srsly before it felt like I would actually go out of my way to avoid meeting new people or keep in contact. It's not so much the things you do that make you who you are but the people you experience who impact your life, molding you into the final product. If you wanna grow as a person you better go out there and meet some people.

So far I feel like I've met more people than usual, or atleast I'm communicating more than I'm used to. Met some at a party, only remembered the girls names.

• Nicole (Michelle) - She introduced herself as Nicole but I was so fucking out of it that I swear I heard her say Michelle. My first impression of her was that she was like Lorrina, very sheltered/shy. Turns out the girl is a veteran party goer and practically goes to more concerts than Daniel. She was all over Cameron that night.
  
• Jacqueline (?) - Really cool girl, looks like a filipino M.I.A. (if she is filipino). She strikes me as the kind of girl who's really seen alot and has been partying since forever. Young face but aged soul, I dunno. I vaguely remember what we talked about but I remember her assisting the drunk like an old woman would the wounded.
  
• Kimbut - Daniel's cousin, the host of the house party where I met the afore mentioned people. Chill enough to invite a bunch of strangers into her house to get smashed. Looks after her otaku cousin. I apologize for barfing all over her dishes.
  
• Vizente (?) - Brian's cousin. I asked Brian for a haircut as compensation for the rides I give him to, and from, his far ass fucking home in the middle of fucks no where. He told me his cousin cuts hair so I'm like alright. Hella surprised though, dude is like 15. He's alright, doesn't talk much but dances alot.
  
• Virgil - Self proclaimed make over artist. Dude wants to pimp my life. Says he's gonna help me learn how to shop, get me on the right direction to getting a decent job, gonna show me how to party, the works. Thing is Virgil gives me some weird vibes sometimes. Like I really don't know if I can trust a guy like him. Like iono, just seen him again recently when he was drunk. Kinda shady. Like he would take my car keys and drive off if I were intoxicated enough. Or worse, fuck me in the ass.
  
• Jennifer - Brian's cousin who goes to Napa too. Haven't really talked to her besides her having been there when I got my hair cut and bumping into her with Daniel at Michaels where she works. Iono if I would take this any further than just friends because she is Brian's cousin, but talking to her those few times were really pleasant. I think she could be a really cool friend to be around with at Napa.
  
• Kim - This is the girl that I'm currently crushing on. I am infatuated, enamored, smitten, enraptured, and mesmerized with this girl. Why? I really don't know. Besides having practically fucked each other through the jeans on the dance floor I can't figure out why we like each other. Yeah, the physical attraction is there, but the chemistry is lacking. It's really hard to get things going between us. I suppose I just have a hard time reading her. Sometimes I can't figure out if she's still interested in me or not. Sometimes I talk to her and it feels like she wishes she could be anywhere else but here. Or I'll text her and get the most disinterested reply back. But even so she still insist on texting me good mornings/good nights, asking me what I'm doing, or just texting me just to get a response back. Or she'll call me up and reconsider a plan she had previously rejected from me. I really can't figure her out. I told myself if things weren't gonna go smoothly with this girl I would just drop it and move on... I mean fuck there's already so much that stands in the way. But iono. I really like her. I feel like this is the girl I can bring back home to meet the fam and take her to holiday parties. Like this is the girl who I wanna spend my weekend mornings with just cuddling with watching whatever. The kind of girl who I can introduce to my parents but still be able to bring back to the bed going at it like beast. Freal we'll beat it up like gorillas, no doubt. I really like this one. There's just something about her smile that really gets me. Like I've never seen anyone's face light up as bright as she does when she's happy. I told myself if me and her became an item I'd be looking for a new way to make her smile everyday. It's weird, having fallen for this girl actually motivates me to become better. Like I need to get back in shape, I need to prepare myself mentally, I need to make bank, I wanna fix my car. I wanna try to be better because she deserves better. Obviously, today I woke up feeling ready to everything for this girl.
  

ANYWAYS, back to what I was blogging about. Next are people I'm getting to know more. People in the group I haven't really gotten to know until just recently.

• Cameron - I know Cameron through Daniel but recently I've gotten to know him better. We regularly hit the gym together. He may strike people as very rude but really he's a good guy at heart. He really looks out for everyone else. In our group he is the veteran drinker, the go to guy when we don't know what to do with the passed out people. Besides drinking and weight lifting we usually talk about bitches. Gotta get them ladies, gotta get dem hoes.
  
• Joseph - I've been getting to know Joseph more through helping him with his situation with Angelica. He is her current victim at the moment and he doesn't know how to deal with it. I feel like me and Joseph have alot in common except iono if he realizes it. The way he struggles with being socially inept to how he handles romantic interest. We're both as jaded and humorously corrupt as the other. Oh and we both like Kim, haha.
  
• Brian - Fucking, this guy is like the funniest guy I know. Not like stand up comedy funny but sitcom funny. Swear I wanna TiVo this guy's life, whatever he does cracks me up. His family too, holy crap haha. I'll blog about it some other time, srsly, this guy. Damn. haha. Anyways lately I've been giving this mother fucker rides to and from his house since no one else wants to. And as a result we had to communicate in words and sentences. And during the the weekend when Daniel and Dylan was gone I had nothing better to do so I went over to his house to hang out with him and his cousin.
  
• Heinrick - I hardly really talk to Heinrick. Only thing I asked him about recently was about Kim, haha. I heard he used to like her last year so I wanted his advice on what mistakes he made. Other than that I'm trying to talk to him now about my headlights, needa get that shit fixed.
  
• Mike - Mike is a pretty cool guy I think. Like Heinrick I wanna ask him about my headlights but besides that Mike likes to have a good time. You wanna get drunk then Mike's the bro you want to have rooting for you as you kill the last bottle of Jack Daniel's.
  
• Ridgley - LMAO Fucking eveyone likes Kim. And if you don't then it's just because you just don't know it yet, haha. Honestly I've never spoken to Ridgley personally but I know he used to like Kim at the same time Heinrick liked her.
  

Trying to be more active in keeping in touch too

• John - SF4 man, srsly. Teach me to be decent so I can smash on people IRL nega. Also, clubbing. I wanna know what it's all about.
• Marco - Broski, shit man. We gotta chill some time, you're fuckin crazy man. The hell are you doing sending me videos of yourself taking a shit?
• Reina - I have a new found respect for your man John. Srsly. Need your words of enlightenment. Really now, gotta call you again sometime soon cuz.
  
• JD - Got nothing to do over the summer stuck in Hiddenbrooke? Let's chill yo! Just need to wait till I get gas money first, haha.
  
• James B.- Mother fucker I almost don't even know you anymore, haven't hung out since elementary but let's hang out anyways.
  
• Margo - And last but not least, my dear beloved grand daughter/dog thingie. I hella forgot how this family tree worked. I just know that something in it is messed up. Yeah freal though show me around SF or something.

My mind is draining. Quality of thoughts is reaching piss poor levels. Must sleeeep but I need to atleast note one more thing.


Angelica is surprisingly one of my closer friends.

It shall be elaborated on some other time.


Meanwhile here's something stupid for people to read.


























BRB

I woke up 6am and couldn't go back to sleep.

Back on the subject of growing old. You know how some people make a big deal about having both partners simultaneously achieve orgasm? Ridiculous right? Well try this. Both partners simultaneously growing old and dying together. Now that, I feel, is something to look forward to.

Woke up at 6 today, no alarm or nothing. Just woke up and couldn't go back to sleep. Dunno if it's because working out at night messes up my biological time clock or if it's cause I couldn't stop thinking about her again or if it's because I slept at 12 or a combination of the three. It's cool waking up early. I was able to make breakfast and watch a movie when normally I'd be sleeping. Saw Gran Torino. It was pretty good but had some horrible asian acting. I wish I could wake up early feeling full of energy all the time.

I used to love writing

A friend of mine told me to sign up for Twitter and I said alright and I tried it and I hated it and I said fuck it and then I went to xanga. Then I hated that too and said fuck it and went to look around what I had missed since I've abandoned xanga. Noticed my friend had a blogspot and remembered most of the coolest shit I've found on the internet were from blogspots and thought, fuck year. So now I have one too.

I'm consciously writing like shit because if this mother fucker can get away with it then I can too. I didn't like twitter and xanga because they felt more like social forums than journals. Actually twitter is something totally different, like a service for stalkers or some shit. But I digress. I like the idea of having a virtual journal that's archived in the infinity of the internet. Saves me time (I forgot how to write with my hands).

... ah who am I kidding. I always write like shit, lmao. I can't remember the last time I successfully articulated anything with words. I haven't taken an english course in so long now. I feel that any skills I had bragged about before have rusted.

So like yeah, continuing from whatever I had written on xanga, my life so far is about the same if not atleast slightly better? Dunno. Today I feel like dog turds.

I saw Up yesterday and loved it. Almost got me crying like a handful of times. Gah I wish I had a love like Ellie. I was thinking about what certain things meant in the movie. It starts off with a typical grumpy oldfag who can't let go of the past, holding to whatever shit that holds sentimental value in regards to his wife. (Fuck I'd be the same way too if I had Ellie. Would've went apeshit on that construction guy when he broke the mailbox.) And that's basically the story of Up. Forget the talking dog and floating house. What Up is about is an old man trying to overcome the loss of his wife. The house only exist to symbolize his inability to let go. Emotional baggage like a motherfucker, constantly looming over him. Eventually he learns that he doesn't need to keep a whole bunch of shit to feel closer to Ellie but to keep in touch with what he and Ellie really shared, the spirit of adventure. Ellie is no longer with him, however, on his back and in his heart she continues to live on! lmao gurren lagann.




I guess that's why I really liked the movie because I've been wondering about that alot lately, about life as we get older. It's comforting to know that even as an old man I can still be awesome. Some of my other friends hated it though. I guess they felt it was too childish for them to be watching, especially since it was just us 6 guys watching it together on a friday night. I would've opted for The Hangover if I hadn't already seen it and knew it was mediocre. Swear The Hang Over is not that funny. To me that movie was the equivalent of a bunch of jocks telling each other how awesome they were at a party, exaggerating whatever they did and elevating themselves to legend. It's awesome through word of mouth, that's it. Otherwise it's just alright. When I was watching it I felt that the only reason most of the people were laughing is because the scenes of the movie has reminded them fondly of their own memories of being smashed. Pineapple Express though, that's where it's at. Best Fight Scene of '08, fuck. haha. Genuinely funny.

FML. I feel terrible. I'm not crazy about her anymore but wow I'm stressing about a 16 yr old girl. And I know I shouldn't be thinking of her with that label on but fuuuck. How is it that I am struggling this hard? Shit sux. A week ago it just occurred to me that it takes more than physical attraction to hold a relationship. (Dunno how I forgot that but I just did.) I think the problem is that either me or the both of us are unable to be ourselves around each other, or atleast in a 1-on-1 scenario. The silence is awkward, my dialogue holds no personality, and her expressions lack interest. At first it irritated me when she told me she didn't feel comfortable enough to go on a date 1-on-1 with me and would rather prefer a double date but as of late I've been feeling the same way. Hell I feel myself dreading the idea of just me and her hanging out. My cousin told me that this was normal though and that she and her guy had worked through it. Funny how she was in the same situation as me, but on the opposite end of it. Lmao freal though. They hadn't been on a 1-on-1 date until 2 years of being together. Fuck, for alot of those dates her mom tagged along. haha, that's crazy. Hearing that helped me gain some confidence for my own situation but I dunno what happened. I think things died down.

I don't like this feeling, like I gave up. I had better take up my friends advice though, throw some sort of game at her while she still likes me. I doubt she still likes me though. Hell I don't even know if I like her anymore. Whatever attraction we had with each other must have dissolved by now. I don't know why I have such a hard time deciding things. Some mornings I wake up feeling like fuck it, moving on and other days feeling like I'm ready to do everything for this girl. Today I feel like fuck it.

Going to the gym with my friend later. lmao fucking this is what I aspire to




I love how while he's celebrating everyone leaves like they don't know him