Sunday, February 14, 2010
This mix WORKS. Probably the only way I can tolerate this k-pop hype.
Anyways as of late I've been thinking about girls on and off. Been thinking about my standards. My ideal girlfriend compared to the bare minimum required in order for me to be interested in a girl. I just realized I never talk to my ideal girlfriend. My ideal girlfriend is Philippine born but bay influenced. She's sexy, parties wild, knows what's up but at the same time somehow happens to be a sweetheart, family oriented, and smart. I know a girl like this and where she is but damn if I'll ever talk to her. If I had stayed at Napa I'd probably be talking to her. Instead I talk to girls who fall below the bar. Sometimes it feels like I'm actually seeking them out. YUCK at me for being such a creep and YUCK at me for thinking I could judge anyone.
Self loathing aside I really can't talk to girls I want. Really though it has to be someone I wouldn't consider being with (serious or not) or someone who's already taken. As soon as I'm interested though I just lose it. A girl could like me and as soon as I want her back the failures start. True Story. Mmmmm... fml.
I think there was maybe one point in my life where I really did things right. I saw a girl I knew I wanted and I went for it. I didn't wait for her to like me. I just kept talking to her until she did. It wasn't easy at first. She was very disinterested at first and for a long time we didn't have anything to connect on. I kept asking her whats up and threw out topic after topic. Until eventually something sparked and we just clicked. I even remember what that topic was. I think I was asking her about death o_O. Anyways after that things got easier. She'd actually start coming to me to talk and well... yea. And that might be the only thing I did right, haha. Or atleast that's how I remember it.
So I'm trying to the same thing now I think. And in a way it's working. Fuck if I know. God I'm at the capacity at which I can continue with this FUCK THIS TOPIC. moving on now.
I need more "club bangers" in my play list. Yea, "club bangers" is genre now. I think. Yea I'm fucking spent. Forget it. End blog.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Sup,
I think it's about time I start blogging. Like atleast write something down to start, and maybe I'll get back into the roll of things.
Things I hate
Anyways, moving on. As of late I've been more or less the same. I suppose you could say I'm stagnant but I would argue that I have progressed. Even if no big changes have occurred time does its work and I have more "substance". Don't know how else to explain it but I feel different than how I did 6 months ago. My perspective, my existing, it all just feels better. If I were to compare myself to myself before in terms of quality I'd totally kick that guys ass.
Onto more pressing issues. I'm in New Jersey right now because my Grandpa (Papa Yoyong) has fallen ill. To be more realistic, he's dying. 2 of his organs are failing and he's got cancer. He may get better, and he has. They removed the machine that was supporting him and it turns out he doesn't need it anymore. We even got to finally hear his voice. Truth is though he's old. Even if he were to over come the illness it's a reminder that he will eventually pass. And so will we. It's a reality that we all have to come to terms with.
God knows I'm not the most active person in my family and there are many closer to him than I am. But I love my Lolo regardless if I don't know anything about him or if he doesn't know anything about me. Visiting Papa Yoyong in the ICU was tough on everyone. He looked so weak and fragile. Before I flew here I was ready to accept that he could be passing away during my stay. When I arrived in the ICU I saw him hooked up to all sorts of machines. He wasn't able to move, talk, respond, or even show expression on his face. As far as I knew he was asleep the whole time unable to wake up. It was depressing but I was expecting it.
I didn't know what to say to him because I wasn't sure if he'd hear me. His eyes were open but I wasn't sure if he was really there. But then I saw my Lola (Mama Letty) take to Papa's bedside. With her hand to his face she spoke to him with intimacy in a whisper and he listened, eyes fixated on her. She wasn't talking to someone who was dying/sick/bedridden/asleep. She was talking to her best friend and husband. I couldn't hear was she was saying but there was so much love in Mama's voice that I couldn't help but cry. Just watching that broke me up inside. I thought I was prepared to see Papa go but I guess not. Every time I'm in the ICU I end up crying, inside or out. The other day when they finally removed the machines Papa was able to respond. Though still in pain he got some of his voice back and was able to do what little he could to talk or move. When we were saying our good byes he mouthed "I love you" to all us. FUUUU, there goes the tears again. That's love. Even though he's in pain he still musters up the strength to tell his family he loves them. Each and every one of them. I choked up, I couldn't even say "I love you" back once. I cried so hard my nose bled. Lmao, INTENSE. Papa is so much stronger than I.
If Papa were to pass I don't want to mope. Papa lived a good life. If there were a measure of a mans worth, any real reason to live, it would be if you're proud of what you left behind. Naturally the greatest thing we leave behind is family. Strength isn't how much you can lift, how many guys you can beat, or getting whatever you want. Real Strength isn't that shallow. Real Strength is the ability to preserve what's important to you. And there's nothing more important than the people you love. Keep your daughters off the pole, keep your sons away from the guns. LOVE your family and raise them right. Papa and Mama did great. Their kids and their kid's kids. No ones perfect but they're all beautiful. Not kidding, take a look at the current generation. We got some good looking Malonzos and they all show potential. It's a huge family, I'm sure Mama and Papa are proud. If I were to pass I would want to be surrounded by the love of my family.
"A man who doesn't spend time with his family can never be a real man." - Don Vito Corleone
That's the fucking truth. I know I don't show it, I hardly express it. The distance in my existence would probably lead people to think other wise. But family is the most important thing to me. I'll admit that this perspective is only recent. Before I was very aloof with family matters, partly because that's just how I am and some other things, but lately I've been pushing myself to spending time with both sides of my family. Hopefully I'll get over it some day.
So yea, breaking off from that subject. I ate a cheese steak at Philly the other day so I guess that makes it a Philly Cheese Steak right? We ate at Geno's and I gotta say I'm not impressed. So far nothing holds a candle to Great Steak and Potato, man that's so fucking legit. I don't care if it's a food court chain. Nothing gets better than that brand of cheese steaks.
Anyways it's getting late (5am late) so I'ma just throw a rundown of randoms to shape out how I've been lately.
What's good
I think it's about time I start blogging. Like atleast write something down to start, and maybe I'll get back into the roll of things.
Things I hate
- Nose Bleeds
- Getting Sick
- Liars
- Ants
- Long Nails
- And as of late, the cold
Anyways, moving on. As of late I've been more or less the same. I suppose you could say I'm stagnant but I would argue that I have progressed. Even if no big changes have occurred time does its work and I have more "substance". Don't know how else to explain it but I feel different than how I did 6 months ago. My perspective, my existing, it all just feels better. If I were to compare myself to myself before in terms of quality I'd totally kick that guys ass.
Onto more pressing issues. I'm in New Jersey right now because my Grandpa (Papa Yoyong) has fallen ill. To be more realistic, he's dying. 2 of his organs are failing and he's got cancer. He may get better, and he has. They removed the machine that was supporting him and it turns out he doesn't need it anymore. We even got to finally hear his voice. Truth is though he's old. Even if he were to over come the illness it's a reminder that he will eventually pass. And so will we. It's a reality that we all have to come to terms with.
God knows I'm not the most active person in my family and there are many closer to him than I am. But I love my Lolo regardless if I don't know anything about him or if he doesn't know anything about me. Visiting Papa Yoyong in the ICU was tough on everyone. He looked so weak and fragile. Before I flew here I was ready to accept that he could be passing away during my stay. When I arrived in the ICU I saw him hooked up to all sorts of machines. He wasn't able to move, talk, respond, or even show expression on his face. As far as I knew he was asleep the whole time unable to wake up. It was depressing but I was expecting it.
I didn't know what to say to him because I wasn't sure if he'd hear me. His eyes were open but I wasn't sure if he was really there. But then I saw my Lola (Mama Letty) take to Papa's bedside. With her hand to his face she spoke to him with intimacy in a whisper and he listened, eyes fixated on her. She wasn't talking to someone who was dying/sick/bedridden/asleep. She was talking to her best friend and husband. I couldn't hear was she was saying but there was so much love in Mama's voice that I couldn't help but cry. Just watching that broke me up inside. I thought I was prepared to see Papa go but I guess not. Every time I'm in the ICU I end up crying, inside or out. The other day when they finally removed the machines Papa was able to respond. Though still in pain he got some of his voice back and was able to do what little he could to talk or move. When we were saying our good byes he mouthed "I love you" to all us. FUUUU, there goes the tears again. That's love. Even though he's in pain he still musters up the strength to tell his family he loves them. Each and every one of them. I choked up, I couldn't even say "I love you" back once. I cried so hard my nose bled. Lmao, INTENSE. Papa is so much stronger than I.
If Papa were to pass I don't want to mope. Papa lived a good life. If there were a measure of a mans worth, any real reason to live, it would be if you're proud of what you left behind. Naturally the greatest thing we leave behind is family. Strength isn't how much you can lift, how many guys you can beat, or getting whatever you want. Real Strength isn't that shallow. Real Strength is the ability to preserve what's important to you. And there's nothing more important than the people you love. Keep your daughters off the pole, keep your sons away from the guns. LOVE your family and raise them right. Papa and Mama did great. Their kids and their kid's kids. No ones perfect but they're all beautiful. Not kidding, take a look at the current generation. We got some good looking Malonzos and they all show potential. It's a huge family, I'm sure Mama and Papa are proud. If I were to pass I would want to be surrounded by the love of my family.
"A man who doesn't spend time with his family can never be a real man." - Don Vito Corleone
That's the fucking truth. I know I don't show it, I hardly express it. The distance in my existence would probably lead people to think other wise. But family is the most important thing to me. I'll admit that this perspective is only recent. Before I was very aloof with family matters, partly because that's just how I am and some other things, but lately I've been pushing myself to spending time with both sides of my family. Hopefully I'll get over it some day.
So yea, breaking off from that subject. I ate a cheese steak at Philly the other day so I guess that makes it a Philly Cheese Steak right? We ate at Geno's and I gotta say I'm not impressed. So far nothing holds a candle to Great Steak and Potato, man that's so fucking legit. I don't care if it's a food court chain. Nothing gets better than that brand of cheese steaks.
Anyways it's getting late (5am late) so I'ma just throw a rundown of randoms to shape out how I've been lately.
What's good
- Wrote essays for pot money
- Officially have a 360
- Got fired for the last time from Yummi Sushi
- Am back in school with a full 12 units
- I've been reading alot of manga lately
- Went to Fight Club
- Went clubbing
- Hit the gym frequently (3-5 days a week)
- Stopped smoking pot
- Got mugged by a stripper
- Played alot of DFO
- Went to some parties
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