It's so embarrassing. I think I forgot how to talk to people. I feel like I'm no longer relevant. My interest, what I do, the way I talk. I don't think I'm capable of connecting to anyone nowadays. I need a change of surroundings.
Macky lives the life I wish I lived. I've known this for a while now. I see her pictures, the places she's been and how she's grown. She's really awesome. I wish I could live outside of comfort. The furniture, material possessions, items of affluence. They all amount to nothing compared to living life. The late night parties, the worlds explored in others. She's really living life. She has that fire I imagine most of our parents having when they came of age.
I feel like Matahachi from Vagabond. We all used to be so alike when we were younger. But now that everyone's grown up I don't feel like I want to show my face anymore. I'm too ashamed. The idea of someone asking me what's new makes me anxious. Yikes man I'm Matahachi.
Lately I've been wondering. Am I really that discontent with life or do I suffer from depression as an illness? Like is my body sending out a chemical to feel like shit? Cause I feel like shit all the time. There are other people like me. I'm friends with them. Why am I the only one who feels like he's at the edge though?
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