1. Always have an objective.
2. Know your end game before you lift your hand.
3. Keep a clear head — emotions make you sloppy.
4. Understand your motivation — always know what you want.
- Sylar (Heroes, Season ?)


Somedays when I'm not preoccupied with the usual school/work/girlfriend I feel like I'm wasting my time. It's when I have nothing to do I realize fuck I'm still not really progressing anywhere ya know? I mean I feel better about myself but I still feel like I'm fresh out of high school. Going through each day without a cause. I could try to give myself a cause like do community service or make an errand list of thing to do on a day to day basis but it's still the same thing. What I'm looking for is something constant. Like this is my goal for today, tomorrow, this month, next year, and the year after that until I reach it. I feel like I've never had anything like that.

The other week though it just occurred to me that I enjoy working with my hands. That made me really happy cause atleast now I feel like I have some direction for my interest. Like for instance I could honestly see myself being a mechanic. Me saying I wanted to be a Dentist is really no different from saying I wanna be a Doctor or lawyer. Or be a nurse or an x-ray tech. I doubt many people who go into those fields choose it because they have a passion for it but that's just my opinion. If I'm gonna study something for a career I'd better expect to want to do it for the rest of my life. I need to expose myself to all sorts of things and see what pulls me like a magnet. I need to find an interest.

So back to the quote, "always have an objective. understand your motivation, always know what you want". I remember going through a Heroes marathon on Netflix and despite coming from a serial killer that line really struck me. I never know what it is I really want. Maybe that's why I've felt so empty for the past few years. Gotta have that FIRE inside of me. Once I do then I'll be on the right path. What do I want though? Why do I want it? Why do I want it so bad and what am I willing to do to get it? I need to meditate on that.


Another awesome quote that resonates with me comes from manga I've been reading.


"You will become a man when you're infinitely kind to those important to you and infinitely cruel to all others"
-- Ennoia (Eden: It's an Endless World)

Damn, really though. The things we are willing to do for our loved ones. Being a man is about knowing what's important to you and doing everything in your power to preserve that, those things naturally being anything but yourself. In most cases it' your spouse and your offspring. When it comes to your love, affection, and compassion your family is entitled to every drop of it regardless of their faults. Everyone else can just fuck off. In what situation would you consciously decide that anyone else deserves the before mentioned over your family? And in that case you should ask yourself what is really important to you. That's what being a man is about. If you don't have someone to take care of you're still just a kid.

So when will I become a man and what lengths am I willing to go for the sake of those important to me? How great is my capacity of love for these people when I find out who they are and how great is my capacity for cruelty towards others should I need to protect what's important to me?

I'm back. Haven't blogged in a while so why not.

Today I signed up for Game Fly, cancelled my Best Buy card that I never used, payed off my Macy's but had to dip into my savings, got my friend some materials to study with for his driving test, went to the bank to inquire about a car loan, and... that's it.

Since I've been gone I've got a job at Macy's. Went from being On-Call to being Part-Time in the fashion watch department. I'm getting better at it. Last month we had a contest to see the top 2 associates who can reach over their sales goal for the month in just watches. I sold 3600k in just watches, that's 150% over my sales goal. When I come back to work this weekend I expect a prize! Free watch you are mine! I'm surprised I'm working as a sales associate despite having "introvert" qualities. I have no problem approaching strangers. Maybe not to conversate but just to say hello. Girls I normally would feel nervous around are suddenly approachable. Dudes I normally wouldn't expect to relate to are suddenly pals when talking about taste in watches.

Besides Macy's I finally have a girlfriend of 7 months now. Probably the longest relationship I've ever been in, and most serious too! Jane is a sweet heart. So many first that I've had in this relationship with her. I feel that I've learned alot about myself being in this relationship. Being with Jane has brought out some great qualities in myself and on a few occasions have brought out some nasty ones. But over all I view the relationship as a positive one. Had I not met Jane I don't think I'd be the person I am today. Some might not think I'm different but I am. Therefore Jane is one of those people who have impacted my life to extents that maybe I am not even aware of. God Bless this woman.

And then aside from that I've been going to school. No difference though, still bullshitting. Still dropped Eng001 cause I wasn't doing any work. Only got Spee001 and Psych001, both I'm doing pretty decent int. I'm taking both classes with Jane and it makes things easier knowing that I have someone I can always ask for notes and remind me when things are due.

The other day I cleaned out my closest and made a wall of clothes to give back to the Salvation Army. I'm back at Level 1. I'm talking REAL Level 1, like if I don't buy some socks I'm fucked for 2morrow. Haha. I like it though. Iono why I kept all that gaudy shit anyways. I'm starting with the basics.

• 32x30 Levi's 514
• Enough Pairs of socks to last me 2 weeks
• Enough Underwear to last me 3
• Stack of white undershirts
• V-neck undershirts, black and gray
• Everything size M
  

Learning not to be picky but also being selective. Like I'm okay with finding basic items in quantity at Walmart but if I'm looking for something that matters then I need to hit the mall. I finally bought a watch that actually works (Timex: Ironman triathlon, $50) which is great cause up till now I've been selling watches while wearing a watch that doesn't (Omega, knock off from the PI). The 12 fell off and the hands don't even move. I used to kid myself by saying well atleast it's right twice a day. hurr hurr but no more.

Finally I got myself a credit card. So far so good. Not in debt lol. I figured now would be be a good time to start building my credit. I've been spending like mad. Mostly on food. Like for reals! I looked at my card spending and it shows atleast $100 on food over the course of 1-2 weeks. Even if its 2 weeks thats just unacceptable. Me and Jane are FOOD WARRIORS but there's gotta be a limit lol. I'm spending way too much money eating out.

One thing I really hated about blogging is that it seemed like every other post I made was bitching about life. I'm glad to realize that today I haven't kept that POV. I'm probably still not quite as optimistic as others but I feel that I take my days in larger strides.