Love who you are, Love who you ain't.

I don't think people realize how serious I am about love. Despite what I might say what I want is FUCKING LEGIT.

What I'm looking for is a girl to do everything with. Trust me it goes beyond just sex and texting. I'm talking about doing EVERYTHING together. Watching movies, getting haircuts, being bored, going to costco cause neither of us have money, making love, agreeing to disagree, growing up, putting up with the distance, being a part of each others family, hating the same people, talking about life, venting, sharing insecurities, cheering each other up, finding out what it really means to be "together" ya know? The way I see it, I want my love to be like back in the day of Adam and Eve. They had the whole world to themselves, just the 2 of them. If I was hella feelin a girl I'd hope that our love would make it feel like it were just the 2 of us on this planet and everything here was just for the both of us to experience together.

I'm feeling more confident with myself. I see a hot girl and I think yea, yea I think I can see my self talking to her. I'm a catch, I know that. Over the past few weeks I've been kinda having this thing with this girl. Turns out being myself has gotten me farther than I ever expected and I'm great around family. You want a girl to be hella into you? Be cool with her family. Turns out though me and her just aren't meant to be; hopefully she'll get over it. Moving on now.

Anyways, about school. FUCK. Let's leave it at that lol.

About my current employment status? FUCK. Well, just a little. I probably just need to turn in some more applications. If I'm not going to school I might as well be doing something till next semester.

I wanna move out soon, I can't stay here.

And yea, for the most part I'm feelin alright. I did 100 pull ups the other day. Not in a row but still pretty good right? =D

It's so embarrassing. I think I forgot how to talk to people. I feel like I'm no longer relevant. My interest, what I do, the way I talk. I don't think I'm capable of connecting to anyone nowadays. I need a change of surroundings.

Macky lives the life I wish I lived. I've known this for a while now. I see her pictures, the places she's been and how she's grown. She's really awesome. I wish I could live outside of comfort. The furniture, material possessions, items of affluence. They all amount to nothing compared to living life. The late night parties, the worlds explored in others. She's really living life. She has that fire I imagine most of our parents having when they came of age.

I feel like Matahachi from Vagabond. We all used to be so alike when we were younger. But now that everyone's grown up I don't feel like I want to show my face anymore. I'm too ashamed. The idea of someone asking me what's new makes me anxious. Yikes man I'm Matahachi.

Lately I've been wondering. Am I really that discontent with life or do I suffer from depression as an illness? Like is my body sending out a chemical to feel like shit? Cause I feel like shit all the time. There are other people like me. I'm friends with them. Why am I the only one who feels like he's at the edge though?